[He sees this memory, he understands what little of it he can understand, but he just looks back at her, maybe a mirror of some of the expression on Magnus' face.]
What we did to the world was-- we damned it by putting the relics into it, even if we meant to save it from something worse. Thousands of people were killed. I couldn't sit by and watch our world keep killing itself over the relics we made, and I couldn't... I couldn't bear what it was doing to us. I knew they wouldn't have agreed to put a stop to it with me because the plan was, theoretically, working, but it was... we lost Lup. She made us promise once that we would never do something like that just because the alternative was worse, and then we lost her to it.
And I'm not going to claim it was good. I know that this is-- it's something I'm going to have to atone for.
[she still remembers, very clearly, weapons pointed at her. you fucking took everything from me.]
But I could take that weight and let them just... be happy, for a while, until the world was safe again, and then they'd remember. I could put a stop to every war over the relics, all at once, and try to make sure no one else died for our mistakes. I'm-- so close to fixing it, Caleb.
[Well. She did say some of the magic words for him. Memories are traumatic for him, obviously, but he looks at her and sees someone who did this out of love. Made mistakes, has regrets. That's hard. That's hard, and he can never avoid sympathizing with someone who just wants to atone. From his perspective, there's nothing more monstrous than the thing he did, so who is he to deny anyone a little empathy.
So his response is gentle, even though he says - ]
You take the weight at the cost of choice, at the cost of your friends as. . . as people.
[some more than others-- she thinks of davenport, there, and pauses before she continues.]
But I know who they are as people, and I know that they aren't the people that our mistakes were making them become, either. We've been together for-- over a hundred years, now, I know them, they're the only family I have. It didn't have to be that way.
[that gets a reflexive, brief breath of laughter from her, as she shakes her head.]
You know, it just might be. Over half of us are, so I guess you could apply that to-- a lot of things we did.
[sometimes you're largely wizards and you keep having to make decisions to affect worlds and two of you have become liches and you are all doing Fine. it's fine.]
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[there's a little sympathy, there-- it's impressive, but that sounds like it could be difficult at times, as well.
but, well. speaking of memory... they're both getting difficult ones this time.]
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. . . Why?
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she just takes a breath in, slow.]
...it felt like it was the only choice to make.
What we did to the world was-- we damned it by putting the relics into it, even if we meant to save it from something worse. Thousands of people were killed. I couldn't sit by and watch our world keep killing itself over the relics we made, and I couldn't... I couldn't bear what it was doing to us. I knew they wouldn't have agreed to put a stop to it with me because the plan was, theoretically, working, but it was... we lost Lup. She made us promise once that we would never do something like that just because the alternative was worse, and then we lost her to it.
And I'm not going to claim it was good. I know that this is-- it's something I'm going to have to atone for.
[she still remembers, very clearly, weapons pointed at her. you fucking took everything from me.]
But I could take that weight and let them just... be happy, for a while, until the world was safe again, and then they'd remember. I could put a stop to every war over the relics, all at once, and try to make sure no one else died for our mistakes. I'm-- so close to fixing it, Caleb.
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So his response is gentle, even though he says - ]
You take the weight at the cost of choice, at the cost of your friends as. . . as people.
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[some more than others-- she thinks of davenport, there, and pauses before she continues.]
But I know who they are as people, and I know that they aren't the people that our mistakes were making them become, either. We've been together for-- over a hundred years, now, I know them, they're the only family I have. It didn't have to be that way.
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I understand family. People I would do anything for.
[And how often has he made big decisions without consulting him, because what was more important was just saving them, and he knew he could do it.]
. . . Maybe it's part of being a wizard. The hubris, ja?
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You know, it just might be. Over half of us are, so I guess you could apply that to-- a lot of things we did.
[sometimes you're largely wizards and you keep having to make decisions to affect worlds and two of you have become liches and you are all doing Fine. it's fine.]
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[A small smile, like he's about to tell a punchline.]
Fucking trouble. [. . .] I think what you did is, uhm. . . well, I can't really agree with it. But it's something I could see myself doing, too.
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[she manages a brief smile of her own, at that.]
... I hope you never have to make that kind of call, Caleb, I really do. [not on that level or scale.] But- thank you for hearing me out on this.