[ that same sympathy immediately crosses his face - it's a complex flicker of emotions, running the gamut from understanding to sadness to anger, to genuine concern and compassion. ichiro's always felt big. ]
...They do that. They try to find whatever's gonna make you perform for them, no matter what the cost is. [ he's always wondered, what pushed samatoki to run to hit the button, to abandon everything they'd ever done together. what if that was it? what if it... ]
Ramuda, he... his mic lets him do illusions. He's never done them to me, but we used to rap together a lot, so - that was definitely his doing. He can make people believe anything - I've seen him make people walk off of piers before without even blinking. But he's been working against Chuuoku - I mean, when we were all working together, our whole goal was to overthrow the damn place, and...
[ that's... now, maybe, it's starting to make a little bit of sense, and it comes with a growing sense of painful, troubling realization in his stomach.
it's not something he can think about right now. ichiro shakes his head, letting the thought trail off there. ]
I'm so sorry, man. [ that caleb had to experience something so shitty because of his memories just fucks him up in all the worst ways. the part about him seeing his mother gets him too; those pauses don't go unnoticed, and they ache with familiarity. ] That's - that's how my bros are to me, too. They're all I've got. When I found out they were okay, after, I -
[ .... ] ... It sounds fucked up to say it, but I'm - I'm glad it was an illusion, you know? I'm, I'm really glad your friends are okay. I know - Beau must've been worried sick, she's gonna be freaking out when we all get taken back to the dorm.
I told you, no apologies. [His tone is gentle, and he's looking directly at him.]
What did you do wrong here, other than have painful memories? All of us do. [A huff of breath, almost laughter but not quite, at that.] I would hate to see what someone could pull out of mine to torment someone with.
I'm glad it was an illusion, too. Maybe sometime we can talk about your plans to overthrow the place. I'd like to hear about that.
[ there's a brief second where he locks eyes with caleb, and bites his lip - but then nods, a little slowly. yeah. it's... it's gonna be hard, not to feel guilty, but he's gonna try. there's that vulnerability again, the nineteen year old who's been a parent for most of his life, the mature, responsible one who's never been told you didn't do anything wrong. it clears off of his face, though, and he reaches up to rub his own nose.
the last bit gets him to laugh a little, too. ] ...yeah. I dunno how good they are anymore, but... sure.
... You know, this place kinda reminds me of it, sometimes. [ ichiro makes a gesture at the world around them, small. ] It's the same kind of thing. You get stuck in a shitty situation with stupid, arbitrary rules, where people have to hurt each other just to - I don't even know what. To live, I guess. All the stupid trials, and the votes, and the stupid curfews... it just feels like home, in all the shitty ways possible.
[He can see that a little bit. And he's not really. . . so good at being an adult. He hasn't ever really tried. But it makes him sad in a way that makes him want to try a little.]
. . . I loved going to school when I was young. Everything was fascinating and I wanted to learn all of it. And then eventually it changed, became something a lot darker. I didn't just want to learn, I wanted to become strong, and powerful.
[Those desires were used against him, to manipulate him, but they were still his own desires.]
This was when I was sixteen, seventeen. I always thought back then I am strong, I have a strong will, so I can handle all of the darkness and pain and adapt to it, I will learn to navigate the rules and master them, and that is how I will be powerful.
. . . That isn't how it works. That type of strength can only carry you so far. And it troubles me, to see the young people here who make the same mistakes.
[ caleb like i'm a bad adult and then out here giving the most relatable dad speeches
i mean. what he says resonates, because it's familiar. i am strong - i have strength has been ichiro's personal mantra for most of his life, and the darkest point of his own life had been at the same age. he'd made mistakes of his own, and thought the same thing. i can handle it, for them. if they hate me, i'll still help them. if they need me to be strong, i can be strong. i am strong.
ichiro's a man with a lot of conviction, but caleb's concern reminds him of a time when he wasn't, and the price he paid to get out of it. it reminds of a fight he still has with himself, sometimes, about what's right, what's wrong, and what's enough. ]
...yeah. [ is all he has to say at first, soft. he gets it, in a way that's deep and personal and hurts. a way he's not ready to talk about quite yet, maybe. ] The... people here are so young, too. I mean, fuck, Mabel's only twelve. Trying to test kids like that, it's -
[ ... ]
... it sucks, that you've gotta go through that again. [ the whole school was nice! and then it was trauma city! thing. ] ... but... I guess learning from it matters, right? And using it - being able to help people, too, because of it. It's - it doesn't make it any better, but it's something.
[ that's what he's always thought, anyway. if ichiro can take his own background and help his brothers get away from it, so they never have to go through the things he went through, then at least his own hard times were worth something. ]
[He smiles a little bit at the answer, even though it's hard to see it the way he sees it. When he says that that strength failed him, it's because he broke. He crumpled to pieces, broke his mind, and burned his entire life to the ground in the process. He's begun putting the pieces back together recently, only just begun. Only started to accept very recently that there was even something worth putting back together. But he'll never again be that strong and confident young man. Whatever else takes Bren's place, it will be someone very different.]
I hope so. If any of it, what happened to us, can make things better, then. . . I hope we can make it so.
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...They do that. They try to find whatever's gonna make you perform for them, no matter what the cost is. [ he's always wondered, what pushed samatoki to run to hit the button, to abandon everything they'd ever done together. what if that was it? what if it... ]
Ramuda, he... his mic lets him do illusions. He's never done them to me, but we used to rap together a lot, so - that was definitely his doing. He can make people believe anything - I've seen him make people walk off of piers before without even blinking. But he's been working against Chuuoku - I mean, when we were all working together, our whole goal was to overthrow the damn place, and...
[ that's... now, maybe, it's starting to make a little bit of sense, and it comes with a growing sense of painful, troubling realization in his stomach.
it's not something he can think about right now. ichiro shakes his head, letting the thought trail off there. ]
I'm so sorry, man. [ that caleb had to experience something so shitty because of his memories just fucks him up in all the worst ways. the part about him seeing his mother gets him too; those pauses don't go unnoticed, and they ache with familiarity. ] That's - that's how my bros are to me, too. They're all I've got. When I found out they were okay, after, I -
[ .... ] ... It sounds fucked up to say it, but I'm - I'm glad it was an illusion, you know? I'm, I'm really glad your friends are okay. I know - Beau must've been worried sick, she's gonna be freaking out when we all get taken back to the dorm.
no subject
What did you do wrong here, other than have painful memories? All of us do. [A huff of breath, almost laughter but not quite, at that.] I would hate to see what someone could pull out of mine to torment someone with.
I'm glad it was an illusion, too. Maybe sometime we can talk about your plans to overthrow the place. I'd like to hear about that.
no subject
the last bit gets him to laugh a little, too. ] ...yeah. I dunno how good they are anymore, but... sure.
... You know, this place kinda reminds me of it, sometimes. [ ichiro makes a gesture at the world around them, small. ] It's the same kind of thing. You get stuck in a shitty situation with stupid, arbitrary rules, where people have to hurt each other just to - I don't even know what. To live, I guess. All the stupid trials, and the votes, and the stupid curfews... it just feels like home, in all the shitty ways possible.
no subject
[He can see that a little bit. And he's not really. . . so good at being an adult. He hasn't ever really tried. But it makes him sad in a way that makes him want to try a little.]
. . . I loved going to school when I was young. Everything was fascinating and I wanted to learn all of it. And then eventually it changed, became something a lot darker. I didn't just want to learn, I wanted to become strong, and powerful.
[Those desires were used against him, to manipulate him, but they were still his own desires.]
This was when I was sixteen, seventeen. I always thought back then I am strong, I have a strong will, so I can handle all of the darkness and pain and adapt to it, I will learn to navigate the rules and master them, and that is how I will be powerful.
. . . That isn't how it works. That type of strength can only carry you so far. And it troubles me, to see the young people here who make the same mistakes.
no subject
i mean. what he says resonates, because it's familiar. i am strong - i have strength has been ichiro's personal mantra for most of his life, and the darkest point of his own life had been at the same age. he'd made mistakes of his own, and thought the same thing. i can handle it, for them. if they hate me, i'll still help them. if they need me to be strong, i can be strong. i am strong.
ichiro's a man with a lot of conviction, but caleb's concern reminds him of a time when he wasn't, and the price he paid to get out of it. it reminds of a fight he still has with himself, sometimes, about what's right, what's wrong, and what's enough. ]
...yeah. [ is all he has to say at first, soft. he gets it, in a way that's deep and personal and hurts. a way he's not ready to talk about quite yet, maybe. ] The... people here are so young, too. I mean, fuck, Mabel's only twelve. Trying to test kids like that, it's -
[ ... ]
... it sucks, that you've gotta go through that again. [ the whole school was nice! and then it was trauma city! thing. ] ... but... I guess learning from it matters, right? And using it - being able to help people, too, because of it. It's - it doesn't make it any better, but it's something.
[ that's what he's always thought, anyway. if ichiro can take his own background and help his brothers get away from it, so they never have to go through the things he went through, then at least his own hard times were worth something. ]
no subject
[He smiles a little bit at the answer, even though it's hard to see it the way he sees it. When he says that that strength failed him, it's because he broke. He crumpled to pieces, broke his mind, and burned his entire life to the ground in the process. He's begun putting the pieces back together recently, only just begun. Only started to accept very recently that there was even something worth putting back together. But he'll never again be that strong and confident young man. Whatever else takes Bren's place, it will be someone very different.]
I hope so. If any of it, what happened to us, can make things better, then. . . I hope we can make it so.