[He shrugs, something a little closed off about him. Not in the sense that he seems irritated, exactly. More than he usually comes across as friendly and awkward, but right now he seems a little distant and brusque.]
And Sieghart and I were talking - better people who are used to this sort of thing. Someone like Rupert does not belong there. Although. . . he did better than most of us.
[He stops and takes a sip of the tea, resting his scratchy voice for a moment.]
. . . No, I don't really mind. Actually, uhm. I wondered if maybe this little journey was related to your memories somehow.
anyway he nods along, because yeah - rupert is one of winter dorms own, and ichiro's been pretty protective of him since first meeting him, too. caleb makes a good point, but it makes him feel useless to not be able to do anything about it, personally. and that... doesn't get much better when that information comes out.
he stops, almost freezes in place, and looks at him, stunned. ]
ichiro pauses for a moment... and then reaches into his pocket, setting his microphone down on the table. unlike the ones in the memory, it doesn't thrum with any sort of energy - it's been nerfed.
ichiro's expression grows into something stormier, the usual cheer and easygoing warmth on his face gone as he looks into caleb's eyes. ]
. . . When you described it, I honestly thought this was a hobby you liked to do? [. . .] I didn't mind that part so much, though I don't have the talent for it. Anyway, it was some pink-haired dick.
[He did say his name, and Caleb would remember that, but giving him the chance to react.]
[ quiet, for a second, and then he reaches up and scrubs his hand over his face, trying to calm himself down. big deep breath in, big deep breath out. they have taken everything from you and they will do it here, too. ]
...sorry. [ he says, keeping his hand on his face for a moment. another deep breath. it's so hard not to be angry, though, not to think about all the shit chuuoku's done to the world, and how it somehow came to find itself here. fake or real or not, it's still - it's a lot, for ichiro, who's still nineteen and so, so angry. ] Sorry.
[ he's cool. it's fine. another deep breath. ] ...you ran into Ramuda, you said. He's - he's my friend. One of the other division leaders, Shibuya. We - we used to go way back, in a crew together. Not anymore.
[Ah. Well, he might not know the situation, but he kind of understands the feeling radiating from him, the anger at a particular name and the trying to control it. So he reaches out and puts a hand on his. Just for a second.]
So a nasty fake version of him. A lot of different hims popping up all over. [. . .] Are these battles something they forced you to do?
[ when ichiro looks up at him, he looks, for the first time, his age. like a kid, a little vulnerable. he doesn't understand anything about the fake versions, or multiple ramudas - that makes no sense, but he's not even beginning to understand half of this and just.
it fades, after a second, and he reaches up to rub his nose. ]
...yeah. We're - fighting for territory. Trying to keep people in our division safe. Or.
[ another pause, and something flickers across his face, again, as if he's slowly connecting the dots. ] ...they got you into a division battle. What - what made you guys say yes? Did you just have to?
[Oh good, he will just have to protect Ichiro forever now, that's fine. No big deal.]
. . . Hostage situation. But they were all fake hostages. The people who came back last week proved that. Still - I don't feel that I can make that sort of decision for someone else.
Ah. Well. . . glad for me I knew they had no one real to hurt, right? Would have been another story.
[If he'd believed enough that they really had Veth. . . Anyway, he still watches him, sympathetic.]
I don't have to talk about these specifics with anyone. Unpleasant to have your history exposed. But I also. . . it wasn't anything you caused to happen.
[ ichiro glances up, now, from whatever thought he was lost in, brows furrowed. that's a good point. ]
I - [ he stops, there, and shakes his head, some of that evening out into determination, instead. ] ...It's okay. If you wanna talk about it, you should - whatever helps us figure out why it even happened. Even if they're based on my memories, you... you experienced it, so.
[ so they're his memories, too, now. shitty and full of rap battles they are, they're still shared. if they help figure any of the mysteries of this place out, then fine. he doesn't mind sharing his dirty laundry. ] Besides, I... wanna know, I guess. I wanna know what it used against you - and whatever shit it took from me to do it.
[ there's a long pause after that, and when ichiro speaks again, he can't look at caleb, now. ] ...it was my brothers. They had them for real.
...I ended up losing. The person I was up against hit the switch. [ his brow twitches, now, furrowing harder, and he shakes his head again, looking away. ] It was just a stupid trick for me, too.
When you told me a little about where you were from, I didn't quite understand. That's a cruel and nasty thing to do. I'm glad that your brothers were safe.
[This is not the kind of thing that should be happening to someone his age, his brothers' age.]
. . . Well, I mentioned to you my friend Veth. But, uhm, when I met her, she was under a curse, so she was a little goblin named Nott. [. . .] She hasn't been Nott for a while now, but I suspect they used her as my hostage to tug at my heartstrings. When I see Veth, I see a strong woman who is happy, has her family, has a future ahead of me. But my little friend Nott - we went through some pretty hard times together. And she was always suffering a lot, always a little scared.
If I had thought it was really her, I would have done anything to get her out of there. She was my family when I had nothing else, and she. . . she has a very young son who needs his mother.
But this was after they'd shown me a few illusions - Beauregard, Mollymauk, a man that I. . . a disgusting, evil man. And. . . [Pausing here.] Also my . . . my mother. After that, I was a little tired of their illusions.
[ that same sympathy immediately crosses his face - it's a complex flicker of emotions, running the gamut from understanding to sadness to anger, to genuine concern and compassion. ichiro's always felt big. ]
...They do that. They try to find whatever's gonna make you perform for them, no matter what the cost is. [ he's always wondered, what pushed samatoki to run to hit the button, to abandon everything they'd ever done together. what if that was it? what if it... ]
Ramuda, he... his mic lets him do illusions. He's never done them to me, but we used to rap together a lot, so - that was definitely his doing. He can make people believe anything - I've seen him make people walk off of piers before without even blinking. But he's been working against Chuuoku - I mean, when we were all working together, our whole goal was to overthrow the damn place, and...
[ that's... now, maybe, it's starting to make a little bit of sense, and it comes with a growing sense of painful, troubling realization in his stomach.
it's not something he can think about right now. ichiro shakes his head, letting the thought trail off there. ]
I'm so sorry, man. [ that caleb had to experience something so shitty because of his memories just fucks him up in all the worst ways. the part about him seeing his mother gets him too; those pauses don't go unnoticed, and they ache with familiarity. ] That's - that's how my bros are to me, too. They're all I've got. When I found out they were okay, after, I -
[ .... ] ... It sounds fucked up to say it, but I'm - I'm glad it was an illusion, you know? I'm, I'm really glad your friends are okay. I know - Beau must've been worried sick, she's gonna be freaking out when we all get taken back to the dorm.
I told you, no apologies. [His tone is gentle, and he's looking directly at him.]
What did you do wrong here, other than have painful memories? All of us do. [A huff of breath, almost laughter but not quite, at that.] I would hate to see what someone could pull out of mine to torment someone with.
I'm glad it was an illusion, too. Maybe sometime we can talk about your plans to overthrow the place. I'd like to hear about that.
[ there's a brief second where he locks eyes with caleb, and bites his lip - but then nods, a little slowly. yeah. it's... it's gonna be hard, not to feel guilty, but he's gonna try. there's that vulnerability again, the nineteen year old who's been a parent for most of his life, the mature, responsible one who's never been told you didn't do anything wrong. it clears off of his face, though, and he reaches up to rub his own nose.
the last bit gets him to laugh a little, too. ] ...yeah. I dunno how good they are anymore, but... sure.
... You know, this place kinda reminds me of it, sometimes. [ ichiro makes a gesture at the world around them, small. ] It's the same kind of thing. You get stuck in a shitty situation with stupid, arbitrary rules, where people have to hurt each other just to - I don't even know what. To live, I guess. All the stupid trials, and the votes, and the stupid curfews... it just feels like home, in all the shitty ways possible.
[He can see that a little bit. And he's not really. . . so good at being an adult. He hasn't ever really tried. But it makes him sad in a way that makes him want to try a little.]
. . . I loved going to school when I was young. Everything was fascinating and I wanted to learn all of it. And then eventually it changed, became something a lot darker. I didn't just want to learn, I wanted to become strong, and powerful.
[Those desires were used against him, to manipulate him, but they were still his own desires.]
This was when I was sixteen, seventeen. I always thought back then I am strong, I have a strong will, so I can handle all of the darkness and pain and adapt to it, I will learn to navigate the rules and master them, and that is how I will be powerful.
. . . That isn't how it works. That type of strength can only carry you so far. And it troubles me, to see the young people here who make the same mistakes.
[ caleb like i'm a bad adult and then out here giving the most relatable dad speeches
i mean. what he says resonates, because it's familiar. i am strong - i have strength has been ichiro's personal mantra for most of his life, and the darkest point of his own life had been at the same age. he'd made mistakes of his own, and thought the same thing. i can handle it, for them. if they hate me, i'll still help them. if they need me to be strong, i can be strong. i am strong.
ichiro's a man with a lot of conviction, but caleb's concern reminds him of a time when he wasn't, and the price he paid to get out of it. it reminds of a fight he still has with himself, sometimes, about what's right, what's wrong, and what's enough. ]
...yeah. [ is all he has to say at first, soft. he gets it, in a way that's deep and personal and hurts. a way he's not ready to talk about quite yet, maybe. ] The... people here are so young, too. I mean, fuck, Mabel's only twelve. Trying to test kids like that, it's -
[ ... ]
... it sucks, that you've gotta go through that again. [ the whole school was nice! and then it was trauma city! thing. ] ... but... I guess learning from it matters, right? And using it - being able to help people, too, because of it. It's - it doesn't make it any better, but it's something.
[ that's what he's always thought, anyway. if ichiro can take his own background and help his brothers get away from it, so they never have to go through the things he went through, then at least his own hard times were worth something. ]
[He smiles a little bit at the answer, even though it's hard to see it the way he sees it. When he says that that strength failed him, it's because he broke. He crumpled to pieces, broke his mind, and burned his entire life to the ground in the process. He's begun putting the pieces back together recently, only just begun. Only started to accept very recently that there was even something worth putting back together. But he'll never again be that strong and confident young man. Whatever else takes Bren's place, it will be someone very different.]
I hope so. If any of it, what happened to us, can make things better, then. . . I hope we can make it so.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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And Sieghart and I were talking - better people who are used to this sort of thing. Someone like Rupert does not belong there. Although. . . he did better than most of us.
[He stops and takes a sip of the tea, resting his scratchy voice for a moment.]
. . . No, I don't really mind. Actually, uhm. I wondered if maybe this little journey was related to your memories somehow.
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anyway he nods along, because yeah - rupert is one of winter dorms own, and ichiro's been pretty protective of him since first meeting him, too. caleb makes a good point, but it makes him feel useless to not be able to do anything about it, personally. and that... doesn't get much better when that information comes out.
he stops, almost freezes in place, and looks at him, stunned. ]
... What? [ his memories? ]
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[Hmm.]
When you do your division rap battles, do you use mics that do damage to other people? Things like that?
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ichiro pauses for a moment... and then reaches into his pocket, setting his microphone down on the table. unlike the ones in the memory, it doesn't thrum with any sort of energy - it's been nerfed.
ichiro's expression grows into something stormier, the usual cheer and easygoing warmth on his face gone as he looks into caleb's eyes. ]
... They made you do that? Who was it, Chuuoku?
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. . . When you described it, I honestly thought this was a hobby you liked to do? [. . .] I didn't mind that part so much, though I don't have the talent for it. Anyway, it was some pink-haired dick.
[He did say his name, and Caleb would remember that, but giving him the chance to react.]
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Wait. Ramuda did this? [ ??? ???? ????? ] That's - that's who it was, right? Short, pink hair, probably had candy or something?
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[He just watches, trying to understand the reaction.]
A lot of borrowed faces in there, doing things they wouldn't do. And that's been the theme in most of these.
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[ quiet, for a second, and then he reaches up and scrubs his hand over his face, trying to calm himself down. big deep breath in, big deep breath out. they have taken everything from you and they will do it here, too. ]
...sorry. [ he says, keeping his hand on his face for a moment. another deep breath. it's so hard not to be angry, though, not to think about all the shit chuuoku's done to the world, and how it somehow came to find itself here. fake or real or not, it's still - it's a lot, for ichiro, who's still nineteen and so, so angry. ] Sorry.
[ he's cool. it's fine. another deep breath. ] ...you ran into Ramuda, you said. He's - he's my friend. One of the other division leaders, Shibuya. We - we used to go way back, in a crew together. Not anymore.
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So a nasty fake version of him. A lot of different hims popping up all over. [. . .] Are these battles something they forced you to do?
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it fades, after a second, and he reaches up to rub his nose. ]
...yeah. We're - fighting for territory. Trying to keep people in our division safe. Or.
[ another pause, and something flickers across his face, again, as if he's slowly connecting the dots. ] ...they got you into a division battle. What - what made you guys say yes? Did you just have to?
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. . . Hostage situation. But they were all fake hostages. The people who came back last week proved that. Still - I don't feel that I can make that sort of decision for someone else.
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he falls silent, now, and laces his fingers together at his mouth, leg starting to jitter under the table. ]
...got it. That's - that's definitely from my memories in specific. [ hate this. he hates this! ]
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[If he'd believed enough that they really had Veth. . . Anyway, he still watches him, sympathetic.]
I don't have to talk about these specifics with anyone. Unpleasant to have your history exposed. But I also. . . it wasn't anything you caused to happen.
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I - [ he stops, there, and shakes his head, some of that evening out into determination, instead. ] ...It's okay. If you wanna talk about it, you should - whatever helps us figure out why it even happened. Even if they're based on my memories, you... you experienced it, so.
[ so they're his memories, too, now. shitty and full of rap battles they are, they're still shared. if they help figure any of the mysteries of this place out, then fine. he doesn't mind sharing his dirty laundry. ] Besides, I... wanna know, I guess. I wanna know what it used against you - and whatever shit it took from me to do it.
[ there's a long pause after that, and when ichiro speaks again, he can't look at caleb, now. ] ...it was my brothers. They had them for real.
...I ended up losing. The person I was up against hit the switch. [ his brow twitches, now, furrowing harder, and he shakes his head again, looking away. ] It was just a stupid trick for me, too.
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When you told me a little about where you were from, I didn't quite understand. That's a cruel and nasty thing to do. I'm glad that your brothers were safe.
[This is not the kind of thing that should be happening to someone his age, his brothers' age.]
. . . Well, I mentioned to you my friend Veth. But, uhm, when I met her, she was under a curse, so she was a little goblin named Nott. [. . .] She hasn't been Nott for a while now, but I suspect they used her as my hostage to tug at my heartstrings. When I see Veth, I see a strong woman who is happy, has her family, has a future ahead of me. But my little friend Nott - we went through some pretty hard times together. And she was always suffering a lot, always a little scared.
If I had thought it was really her, I would have done anything to get her out of there. She was my family when I had nothing else, and she. . . she has a very young son who needs his mother.
But this was after they'd shown me a few illusions - Beauregard, Mollymauk, a man that I. . . a disgusting, evil man. And. . . [Pausing here.] Also my . . . my mother. After that, I was a little tired of their illusions.
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...They do that. They try to find whatever's gonna make you perform for them, no matter what the cost is. [ he's always wondered, what pushed samatoki to run to hit the button, to abandon everything they'd ever done together. what if that was it? what if it... ]
Ramuda, he... his mic lets him do illusions. He's never done them to me, but we used to rap together a lot, so - that was definitely his doing. He can make people believe anything - I've seen him make people walk off of piers before without even blinking. But he's been working against Chuuoku - I mean, when we were all working together, our whole goal was to overthrow the damn place, and...
[ that's... now, maybe, it's starting to make a little bit of sense, and it comes with a growing sense of painful, troubling realization in his stomach.
it's not something he can think about right now. ichiro shakes his head, letting the thought trail off there. ]
I'm so sorry, man. [ that caleb had to experience something so shitty because of his memories just fucks him up in all the worst ways. the part about him seeing his mother gets him too; those pauses don't go unnoticed, and they ache with familiarity. ] That's - that's how my bros are to me, too. They're all I've got. When I found out they were okay, after, I -
[ .... ] ... It sounds fucked up to say it, but I'm - I'm glad it was an illusion, you know? I'm, I'm really glad your friends are okay. I know - Beau must've been worried sick, she's gonna be freaking out when we all get taken back to the dorm.
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What did you do wrong here, other than have painful memories? All of us do. [A huff of breath, almost laughter but not quite, at that.] I would hate to see what someone could pull out of mine to torment someone with.
I'm glad it was an illusion, too. Maybe sometime we can talk about your plans to overthrow the place. I'd like to hear about that.
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the last bit gets him to laugh a little, too. ] ...yeah. I dunno how good they are anymore, but... sure.
... You know, this place kinda reminds me of it, sometimes. [ ichiro makes a gesture at the world around them, small. ] It's the same kind of thing. You get stuck in a shitty situation with stupid, arbitrary rules, where people have to hurt each other just to - I don't even know what. To live, I guess. All the stupid trials, and the votes, and the stupid curfews... it just feels like home, in all the shitty ways possible.
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[He can see that a little bit. And he's not really. . . so good at being an adult. He hasn't ever really tried. But it makes him sad in a way that makes him want to try a little.]
. . . I loved going to school when I was young. Everything was fascinating and I wanted to learn all of it. And then eventually it changed, became something a lot darker. I didn't just want to learn, I wanted to become strong, and powerful.
[Those desires were used against him, to manipulate him, but they were still his own desires.]
This was when I was sixteen, seventeen. I always thought back then I am strong, I have a strong will, so I can handle all of the darkness and pain and adapt to it, I will learn to navigate the rules and master them, and that is how I will be powerful.
. . . That isn't how it works. That type of strength can only carry you so far. And it troubles me, to see the young people here who make the same mistakes.
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i mean. what he says resonates, because it's familiar. i am strong - i have strength has been ichiro's personal mantra for most of his life, and the darkest point of his own life had been at the same age. he'd made mistakes of his own, and thought the same thing. i can handle it, for them. if they hate me, i'll still help them. if they need me to be strong, i can be strong. i am strong.
ichiro's a man with a lot of conviction, but caleb's concern reminds him of a time when he wasn't, and the price he paid to get out of it. it reminds of a fight he still has with himself, sometimes, about what's right, what's wrong, and what's enough. ]
...yeah. [ is all he has to say at first, soft. he gets it, in a way that's deep and personal and hurts. a way he's not ready to talk about quite yet, maybe. ] The... people here are so young, too. I mean, fuck, Mabel's only twelve. Trying to test kids like that, it's -
[ ... ]
... it sucks, that you've gotta go through that again. [ the whole school was nice! and then it was trauma city! thing. ] ... but... I guess learning from it matters, right? And using it - being able to help people, too, because of it. It's - it doesn't make it any better, but it's something.
[ that's what he's always thought, anyway. if ichiro can take his own background and help his brothers get away from it, so they never have to go through the things he went through, then at least his own hard times were worth something. ]
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[He smiles a little bit at the answer, even though it's hard to see it the way he sees it. When he says that that strength failed him, it's because he broke. He crumpled to pieces, broke his mind, and burned his entire life to the ground in the process. He's begun putting the pieces back together recently, only just begun. Only started to accept very recently that there was even something worth putting back together. But he'll never again be that strong and confident young man. Whatever else takes Bren's place, it will be someone very different.]
I hope so. If any of it, what happened to us, can make things better, then. . . I hope we can make it so.