[Well, he's going to answer that, continue to make polite conversation, but then he's slapped in the face by this memory. The brutality should stand out, but it doesn't rattle him much. It's more the emotion behind it, the fury and hatred and the quiet appeal to his father.
Still, he doesn't enjoy prying into another person's private moments. His shoulders hunch slightly, as he tenses, doesn't quite make eye contact. But after a moment, his heart still pounding from the feeling of spilling blood and enjoying it, he looks up.]
Ah. . . I'm sorry to have seen that, friend. [. . .] But I get it, you know?
[It's one of his less pleasant memories, but one of the ones he handles the best; beyond an initial few seconds of disorientation as it fades, he looks more or less the same as before. A little more grim, perhaps - he knows what average people think of displays like this.
But Caleb, like others, surprises him. It reflects for a moment in his expression; the barest beat of vulnerability before his brow draws down.]
...I'm sorry. I wish that you didn't have to.
[Because Sakyou knows how other people could come to that kind of understanding, and not a single possibility is kind.
There's another minute pause. He knows he's mentioned before, the way he views the importance of someone being held accountable for their actions. Then:] I could never feel regret for what I've done to those demons, or what I'll do. But I intend to take responsibility.
I wonder what you mean by that? What is taking responsibility to you?
[It's been something he's spent a lot of time thinking about, since he first began the process of piecing through his own regrets and desires and traumas; what he wants and what he owes.]
[He's spent - probably less time than he should thinking about it, but his answer is one he feels pretty firm about.]
...It depends on the situation, of course. On the circumstances behind what leads one to taking the actions they take or walking the path they choose. But generally speaking, I believe one must give as much as they take.
[He's absolutely an eye for an eye vigilante justice type.]
[Sakyou would also have sympathy for anyone else in his shoes, but the person he has the least sympathy for is himself. Truly a cheeseburger sasuke.]
My life was forfeit long ago, so such things are no matter. ...In any case, I would rather live in a difficult way than experience anything that I may be loathe to part with, when the time comes.
[That's exactly the situation - he has always find it easier to sympathize with people who remind him of himself than he can with himself. But. . . he has been learning, lately.]
Then there is no way forward for you, except death eventually? No other way to wipe the blood clean?
[There's a moment where he seems to be considering that. While he'd have had no hesitation in the past - well. Life comes at you fast, sometimes. But his answer stays the same, in the end.]
...For me, there isn't. I don't anticipate I would easily survive another confrontation with the demon I seek, regardless.
[He'd been about to respond, because it's his natural inclination to push away the possibility of alternatives--
But the memory hits instead, and this one takes a lot out of him, honestly. It isn't as explosive as some of the things he's seen, but the relative stillness of a simple conversation almost amplifies the anxiety, the tension, the topic at hand.
And hoo, what a topic! It takes Sakyou a few seconds longer than usual to gather himself as the memory fades, staring at nothing in particular. Some things certainly make more sense now than they had before... And while he's not the sort of person to judge another for the stains on their hands, he can't help but hesitate, tense. It is, after all, an understandably sensitive subject for him. The death of one's parents - the murder of one's parents - and he doesn't have the same backbone of camaraderie or sensitivity of the companions Caleb's traveled with.
Which is why he presses, even though he normally gives people as much space as possible after these bleeds of memory.]
[He blinks away the memory, and then listens to a question, a huff of dark laughter. He shakes his head, a little sad.]
I did tell you, my loss was a little different than yours, right? I'm sorry to have let you compare them, when I was the one. . .
[He rubs at his jaw, slightly agitated.]
But the answer your question, um, no. I was. . . well, I'm not the same man I am now, I suppose. But I was in my right mind. There was. . . there was manipulation, there was. . . he altered some of my memories, but nothing more. I still decided to do what I did.
[And he sure gets it now. He can't really blame Caleb for not wanting to say anything at the time... Though he's not able to be as kind as Jester was, or as understanding in such an open and accepting way, there are still plenty of things said that he agrees with. He's the last person to judge anyone for lying by omission, anyway.
He listens to the rest with a silent sort of care, though. Again, more of the things they've discussed make sense. It's a difficult position to be in - a form of coercion, actions taken while not entirely thinking as one might without influence. Sakyou's attempts at being fair and just demands blood for blood, in many cases.
But Sakyou is always the least merciful with himself.]
...It must have taken a long time to get from there to here.
[He doesn't have the softness in him to speak kindly as his companions did, but he can at least understand. Parts of it, if not all of it. And, for as little as it means:]
I spent a long time thinking of things that way. That I had to find a way to kill that man somehow, or. . . something else that would put it right. . .
I'm not saying I wouldn't still like to kill him, but I don't think it would. . . do much to let me carry it. I don't know. Maybe it isn't something one is meant to carry.
[He folds his hands across his chest, closes his eyes to think through the question.]
Not for the sake of vengeance. If I needed him dead to protect my friends, then yes. But. [He frowns, disliking the thought.] What I want is for him to be exposed, brought to justice, so that his methods are no longer used. And I think. . . if I can capture him alive, I think I can do that.
[It's not an answer he'd be able to give, if their positions were reversed. He knows that without even having to stop and consider it.]
...And in doing so, you'll ensure that he can no longer harm others in the same way.
[A quiet nod. It's just as important, he thinks - removing dangers so they can't be dangerous. Preventing others from having to suffer in the same ways. Saving lives wherever possible.
[Though he still isn't sure about this course of action; there's still a big part of him that isn't sure he's satisfied with it.]
I think. . . being around my friends made me change what was important to me. Um. Some of them would not have been so. . . into bloody vengeance, but want to support helping stop this from happening. And I care about their opinion, so I tried to consider it, and. . . after a while, I realized it was beginning to feel right to me.
[That's not something he can really grasp, either - the idea of being surrounded by people like that, and evolving because of it. It reminds him of a few things Beau had said earlier. About who she'd been, and who she was becoming. It reminds him of the look on Molly's face when he couldn't stay with Caleb after he'd returned injured. Of the way they tease and bully, and the way they band together.
It makes him wonder, briefly, what things could have been like if he'd stayed with the one person who made him want to see the world differently.]
You care about each other as though you were a family... Or rather, it could be said that you are one, yes? [A very, very slight nod, so small it would be easy to miss.] ...I hope that you can hold those bonds close, and protect what's important to the you that's here now.
They are my little second chance at a family. I do not deserve it, but even so. . .
[He isn't going to give that up. Even if it costs him much of what kept him going for the years before he found them. He had so many ideas of balance, of atonement, and most of them came down to the fact that he couldn't atone. He wanted revenge but it was never so easy, because he was also to blame. So he fixated on crazy ideas, impossible ideas. And then one day he realized that he had something that was making him happy, making him a little human again, and he wanted to keep it.]
[The things that keep someone human when they sometimes toe the line are all precious, in the end, and he's not a jealous or stone-hearted person for all his arguing to the contrary. His shifts in expression tend to be minute unless he's angry, but there's something in it for a moment that perhaps seems - glad? Relieved?
It's not bad to see others succeed, after all. With a note of the barest wry amusement:]
They seem like the sort of insistent people who wouldn't take no for an answer anyway, to be honest.
[It is nice to see someone else succeed, which is why it hurts, though, to see the way Sagihara views himself, that he sees death and more death as the inevitable ending.]
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Still, he doesn't enjoy prying into another person's private moments. His shoulders hunch slightly, as he tenses, doesn't quite make eye contact. But after a moment, his heart still pounding from the feeling of spilling blood and enjoying it, he looks up.]
Ah. . . I'm sorry to have seen that, friend. [. . .] But I get it, you know?
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But Caleb, like others, surprises him. It reflects for a moment in his expression; the barest beat of vulnerability before his brow draws down.]
...I'm sorry. I wish that you didn't have to.
[Because Sakyou knows how other people could come to that kind of understanding, and not a single possibility is kind.
There's another minute pause. He knows he's mentioned before, the way he views the importance of someone being held accountable for their actions. Then:] I could never feel regret for what I've done to those demons, or what I'll do. But I intend to take responsibility.
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[It's been something he's spent a lot of time thinking about, since he first began the process of piecing through his own regrets and desires and traumas; what he wants and what he owes.]
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...It depends on the situation, of course. On the circumstances behind what leads one to taking the actions they take or walking the path they choose. But generally speaking, I believe one must give as much as they take.
[He's absolutely an eye for an eye vigilante justice type.]
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[He looks at him, a little sympathy in his expression.]
That seems like a hard way to live. . .
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My life was forfeit long ago, so such things are no matter. ...In any case, I would rather live in a difficult way than experience anything that I may be loathe to part with, when the time comes.
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Then there is no way forward for you, except death eventually? No other way to wipe the blood clean?
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...For me, there isn't. I don't anticipate I would easily survive another confrontation with the demon I seek, regardless.
[He just hopes he can take the guy out with him.]
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[As soon as he says this, Sagihara will get a memory.]
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But the memory hits instead, and this one takes a lot out of him, honestly. It isn't as explosive as some of the things he's seen, but the relative stillness of a simple conversation almost amplifies the anxiety, the tension, the topic at hand.
And hoo, what a topic! It takes Sakyou a few seconds longer than usual to gather himself as the memory fades, staring at nothing in particular. Some things certainly make more sense now than they had before... And while he's not the sort of person to judge another for the stains on their hands, he can't help but hesitate, tense. It is, after all, an understandably sensitive subject for him. The death of one's parents - the murder of one's parents - and he doesn't have the same backbone of camaraderie or sensitivity of the companions Caleb's traveled with.
Which is why he presses, even though he normally gives people as much space as possible after these bleeds of memory.]
...You were not - yourself in that moment...?
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I did tell you, my loss was a little different than yours, right? I'm sorry to have let you compare them, when I was the one. . .
[He rubs at his jaw, slightly agitated.]
But the answer your question, um, no. I was. . . well, I'm not the same man I am now, I suppose. But I was in my right mind. There was. . . there was manipulation, there was. . . he altered some of my memories, but nothing more. I still decided to do what I did.
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[And he sure gets it now. He can't really blame Caleb for not wanting to say anything at the time... Though he's not able to be as kind as Jester was, or as understanding in such an open and accepting way, there are still plenty of things said that he agrees with. He's the last person to judge anyone for lying by omission, anyway.
He listens to the rest with a silent sort of care, though. Again, more of the things they've discussed make sense. It's a difficult position to be in - a form of coercion, actions taken while not entirely thinking as one might without influence. Sakyou's attempts at being fair and just demands blood for blood, in many cases.
But Sakyou is always the least merciful with himself.]
...It must have taken a long time to get from there to here.
[He doesn't have the softness in him to speak kindly as his companions did, but he can at least understand. Parts of it, if not all of it. And, for as little as it means:]
I don't think that's a poor way to atone.
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[He shrugs a little.]
I spent a long time thinking of things that way. That I had to find a way to kill that man somehow, or. . . something else that would put it right. . .
I'm not saying I wouldn't still like to kill him, but I don't think it would. . . do much to let me carry it. I don't know. Maybe it isn't something one is meant to carry.
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[A lot of things, really, and yet they're forced to carry them regardless. Life can be unkind in that way.
He's quiet for a second, considering.]
...If the opportunity were to present itself - the chance to kill him... would you take it?
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Not for the sake of vengeance. If I needed him dead to protect my friends, then yes. But. [He frowns, disliking the thought.] What I want is for him to be exposed, brought to justice, so that his methods are no longer used. And I think. . . if I can capture him alive, I think I can do that.
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...And in doing so, you'll ensure that he can no longer harm others in the same way.
[A quiet nod. It's just as important, he thinks - removing dangers so they can't be dangerous. Preventing others from having to suffer in the same ways. Saving lives wherever possible.
It really is a good way to atone.]
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[Though he still isn't sure about this course of action; there's still a big part of him that isn't sure he's satisfied with it.]
I think. . . being around my friends made me change what was important to me. Um. Some of them would not have been so. . . into bloody vengeance, but want to support helping stop this from happening. And I care about their opinion, so I tried to consider it, and. . . after a while, I realized it was beginning to feel right to me.
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It makes him wonder, briefly, what things could have been like if he'd stayed with the one person who made him want to see the world differently.]
You care about each other as though you were a family... Or rather, it could be said that you are one, yes? [A very, very slight nod, so small it would be easy to miss.] ...I hope that you can hold those bonds close, and protect what's important to the you that's here now.
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They are my little second chance at a family. I do not deserve it, but even so. . .
[He isn't going to give that up. Even if it costs him much of what kept him going for the years before he found them. He had so many ideas of balance, of atonement, and most of them came down to the fact that he couldn't atone. He wanted revenge but it was never so easy, because he was also to blame. So he fixated on crazy ideas, impossible ideas. And then one day he realized that he had something that was making him happy, making him a little human again, and he wanted to keep it.]
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It's not bad to see others succeed, after all. With a note of the barest wry amusement:]
They seem like the sort of insistent people who wouldn't take no for an answer anyway, to be honest.
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[It is nice to see someone else succeed, which is why it hurts, though, to see the way Sagihara views himself, that he sees death and more death as the inevitable ending.]
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They've both spoken of the others in a similar manner, though. [...] I enjoy hearing it, to be honest.